Monday, November 30, 2009

Grown up

I feel light. On top of the world! responsbilities, no heart aches, just free! Staring out at an endless ocean, breathing in it's scent, the aroma of possibilities. The water is calm, the only sound the waves gently lapping the beach. The temperature is perfect, a little warm, but not hot. I raise my face to the sun, close my eyes and soak in the sun's glow.

With a start, my eyes fly open and I search, what time is it? 2pm. I'm in bed. All of a sudden a giant boulder comes crashing down on me, my eyes are heavy, my heart, twisted in knots. My body, slow, heavy, beat down.

Isn't it the worst, waking from a delicious, hopeful dream to a harsh jarring reality?

Then I hear a little banging, it's music... coming from... somewhere. Can't hear the words but can make out a thumping bass and an angry tone. Thump, anger, thump, they beat me down, thump, mad at the world, thump thump.

I close my eyes, and try to go back to the beach, but there is a knot forming in the back of my head.

What I want to know is, when did I become a grown up? How can this be? I feel like a giant polar bear, more like a grizzly but I like polar bears better, and this is my reality so I say polar bear. I just woke up after a 10 year hibernation. Youth, is a thing of the past. I don't recognize this life, it's so.. different.

Did you ever get into a swimming pool and run like crazy in a circle with a couple other people, run run run! Until all of a sudden you've created a current, you let go and Wheeeeeee! And then try to stand up in it but can't, the pull is too strong so you just goooo with it! (You have, right?)

This is my life right now. I feel like I'm running in circles, but I'm running alone, faster and faster trying to get that current to pick me up and take me to places where I'm successful, free, happy. Maybe my problem is that I'm running in circles, always end up right back at the beginning. I need to go in one direction, forward.

Please pardon my lack of blogging lately, I've been rather introspective. Not to mention busy running in circles! 2009- you've been rough on me. Alas, I am determined to cleanse, renew, and enter into 2010 with hope. I'm hopeful for so many things, but most of all to climb out of this hole I've seemed to dug myself into.

Bitter, party of one?

I'm so leaving you in 09.

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